Remembering Octobers Past

Today my grandson, Jaxon, started talking about my brother Kim. He said he could remember him but sometimes he had a hard time remembering Kim's name. Kim died two years ago this month. Kim was always really good to Jax, even going as far as to buy him toys on occasion. The day of Kim's funeral, Jax asked me several questions about where Kim would be and when we would see him again. He seemed to understand my explanations and he has never asked again. This is why I was a little surprised that he remembered Kim. It was also three years ago this month that Jaxon and Brooks had their truck accident. Jax and Brooks both had some very amazing and spiritual events during this time, as did some of the rest of the family. For a long time, Jaxon would talk about the accident and could remember everything. He no longer remembers it. This is another reason why I was surprised that he was talking about Kim. I know that the veil is very thin. I'm also sure that these two knew each other in our pre-mortal existence. I'm also sure that they both knew about these two events in their lives before they came to this earth. Our family was so very blessed during Jaxon's and Brooks accident and recovery and we saw first hand some really great miracles. When Kim died, I was hoping for another miracle but I guess this was not the plan. I miss him.

I have been thinking a lot about Kim lately. Probably because October is the time that he died. I am also now the same age that he was when he died. I never in a million years thought that I would out live him. Kim was a good brother to me. We had the usual arguments and battles as children. I remember not speaking to him for about two years in our early teens. (really) Then one day it just seemed to suit us both to start talking again. We were pretty good friends after that. Kim would let me tag along with him and his friends once in a while. I consider them my friends also because of that. Kim was always really generous with me. I don't know if I've ever told anyone this story but when Kara was baptized, my whole family and Brooks's whole family met at the old Juniper Inn for dinner. Brooks and I didn't have a lot of money to spare and we felt like we should pay for every ones dinner. Needless to say, we were a little nervous about it. We had just decided to put it on our credit card and I left the table to pay the bill. All at once I noticed Kim standing by me and he said that he was going to pay for the dinner! I tried to argue with him but he insisted and then he payed for it. It's impossible to win an argument with Kim. I don't know how he knew what was going on but somehow he did. (Maybe Lynette can enlighten me.) This was Kim's nature. He was always interested in what my kids were doing in school and other activities. He probably came to almost as many athletic events to watch my kids as he did his own. He came and supported me at Kelsey's wedding when he wasn't feeling well, before he had a diagnosis but knowing that his life was about to change. I wished we'd had more time with him. I will be forever grateful to Lynette for sharing him and allowing me to drive him to a few of his radiation treatments. The time that I was able to spend with him is priceless to me. I look forward to the day that I get to see him again. I will be excited to be greeted by him on the other side some day. I want to ask him (as he would say to me) "what the hell was that all about, you weren't supposed to go so soon!" I want to know exactly what he is doing and have all of the details. I can imagine our talk and his sense of humor while he is telling me about it. I will stay busy and be patient and try to get through every October as long as nothing else goes wrong during this month!

Addendum!!

I am a terrible daughter!! I wrote my last post about wanting more time etc. and I didn't even mention my parents! They are aging (sorry mom and dad but you are) but still very independent. I know that there will come a day when they will need more help from me. I have faith that when and if that time comes, I will have the time that they need. If not, I will make the time. They, of course are on my list of wanting more time to help and spend time with. My parents have always been my greatest cheerleaders in anything that I do good or bad. They truly are perfect examples of unconditional love. I love them dearly and I apologize to them for leaving them out of my last post. I set a goal a few years ago to try to stop by their house at least once a week to visit or help out just a little. I was good for a while and Kim did this regularly before he died. The last while I have failed miserably! Sooooo, tomorrow is Monday. Time for me to bite the bullet and dig in. I have been buoyed up after listening to General Conference and I am ready for the next week. No guarantees for any further. Maybe all of this negativity is because it is October and this month has not been good to my family. I will post more on this later. Anyway, I hate to wish time away but I think that when the month is over, I will feel better.

Writer's Block?

It has been quite a while since I have posted. When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would try to post at least once a week. I haven't even come close to that! This is supposed to be a journal of sorts but I'm finding it hard to find things to write about. For example, I would love to write more about my job, but I am really limited to almost nothing due to confidentiality laws. I am working full time right now. I haven't worked full time since the first few years that I became employed as a nurse. I was lucky to be able to work part time during the majority of the years that my children were home. Years ago, when I pictured myself as a wife and mother, I never saw myself in a profession working full time. I always thought that I would somehow finish school, get married, have children (4, 5, or 6-big ideas) and settle into blissful life being the perfect wife and mother.

Now as real life would have it, I didn't finish school before marriage, I did get married, I was thankfully able to have 3 children and I did settle into a happy life until a few years into my dream when we realized that health insurance was not a luxury but a necessity in our family. Since Brooks is self employed and we were unable to find any private insurance to cover me, I was the one to become the insurance policy carrier. Hence the nursing career. I have worked many, many nights, weekends, holidays and some just not so nice places and with some not so nice people to get to where I am working right now. To get the job that I have at this time, (and I plan to retire here) I had to accept a full time position. Most of the time I am really fine with the full time business but this past week I have really wished for part time and even no time. My reasons are good, I especially want more time to spend with my sweet, smart, funny, cuddly, and very, very special three grandchildren. I don't get to see my husband much, even though he is no longer a Bishop we have managed to fill in the extra time with I'm not sure what and we seldom see each other. I would like to be available to help my children and their families more. I have a difficult time arranging my work schedule if something pops up that I need to attend, let alone for fun stuff. I would like to keep my house cleaner and to get some unfinished projects finished. Sometimes work is stressful for me. I think that I handle stress quite well but once in a while it does get stressful.

Now the up-side of working. I really do love my job and the people that I work with. This is truly my dream job. I love to be busy and have things to do. If I was home all of the time I might get a little cranky. (I probably get that way sometimes anyway) HEALTH INSURANCE! There is no getting around this one. We have to have it and nothing has changed since I came to work. I watch my kids suffer with finding coverage and this is a never ending unbelievable problem!! The extra money is very helpful and we do many things that we wouldn't otherwise be able to do. The education and the knowledge that I can survive on my income if needed is priceless to me. So, this may sound like a big poor, poor me post, but it really isn't. Once in a great while I get like this, probably because this past week at work was a real bummer. I don't know any other way to describe it but I'm okay now and ready to move on. It's good to have challenges in life, it's good to feel growth and to learn. If I really could stay home all of the time, I would probably spoil my grandchildren so much that their parents would ban them from my house.

Jackson hole 2009

We made our annual trip to Jackson Hole the weekend of August 21. It was also my birthday on the 22 so we decided to kill two birds with one stone. I forgot to take my camera and so the only pics I have are on the river trip. Suzette, Glade and Jordan came with us this year and Suzette bought a disposable water proof camera for the river and gave me copies of her pictures. (thanks Suz) We had a great time. The kids surprised me with a birthday cake at dinner the night of my birthday. They had the cake specially made for me. (thanks Lynette) I won't describe it here but it was a big surprise and a lot of fun. We all stayed together in a four bedroom condo, did a little shopping and ate tons of food! Kelsey and Brady came up for the day on Saturday and they and Jessica stayed with the kids while the rest of us floated the river. We had a fun time and look forward to next year.
This is my favorite picture. I love the look on Suzette's face!

We look ready don't you think?

Middle of the Night Phone Calls

This morning at about 1:15 AM, my sweet little five year old grandson Jaxon called me. When the phone rang, I was dead asleep and so was Brooks. I answered the phone thinking, who now is hurt or sick or in the hospital? I hear this little voice sobbing, "grandma, I'm here all alone, can you come and get me?" I tell him I'll be right there and then Brooks and I bolt out of bed and run to the car. I didn't even put shoes on. I'm not sure if Brooks even did. We pull up in Kara's drive way and most of the lights are on. We walked into the garage and Jaxon came out the back door. He was still crying and I just hugged him and told him that he did the right thing by calling me. We walked into the house and Brooks started calling for Kara and Phil. He yelled their names a couple of times and then we heard a very sleepy "what?" from Kara. Jax immediately ran into their bedroom, Brooks and I waited in the front room for a few minutes and didn't hear anything else so we called out that we were leaving and then left. Around 8:00 AM Kara called me and wanted to know what had happened when Jax had called us. I told her and she wasn't sure why he had called because he was still sleeping. After church today, I called Kara back and she had of course then talked with Jaxon. Last night the kids had a babysitter at their house and had put them to bed. When Jax woke up last night, he thought it was a lot earlier and he thought that the babysitter had gone home after putting them to bed and that his mom and dad weren't home yet and so he called me. Kara said that she was going to ban him from the phone but I told her to please don't. I'm glad that he knows he can call me or anyone else in the family if he needs to. He has already called me a few times today! Getting phone calls in the middle of the night really scare me. I don't know any other way to describe the feeling I get when the phone rings during the night. It has happened to us quite a few times in our married life but only once was it something bad, but everytime it happens it lets me know that I'm still alive. Really alive!!

Family night at the "Bees"

We had our annual Bee's outing this past Monday night. We started out with dinner at Tepanyaki's (yum), then on to the game. We stayed until the very end of the game. It wasn't a great game, the Bee's got creamed, but it was still really fun.
Grandpa and Molly waiting to be seated for dinner. I can't ever get grandpa to smile.

You can tell the kids are excited. Jax and Bryn love to hold Molly.

Dinner Time

For some reason, Bryn thought that Brady bought his ice cream only for her.

Kade always seems to sense when someone is taking a picture. We had a lot of fun, the weather was perfect and the kids were really good. I'm not sure how I missed getting a picture of Jessica. Next time I will make it a point to get one.

Aging, gracefully? (graphic, read at your own risk!)

Today was a headliner for me. I had my first colonoscopy! It is recommended to have a screening by the time you are age 50. I put it off for a few years and I probably would have waited indefinitely except for one thing. I visited the GYN last spring, (another one of my favorite things to do) and she told me that I needed to go have a screening. I told her that I would and then promptly left her office thinking "it'll be a cold day in you know where when I actually do it." Well, last week, I got a phone call from the gastro-enterologists office asking to set up an appointment! I had already dodged them once about a month ago. Anyway, the result of that second phone call ended up in today's activity.
I'm not really sure why I decided to post about this but here goes. After getting the phone call from the office, they did a very brief medical history and then told me that they would send me information for the "prep" in the mail. By Monday the 3rd, I hadn't heard anything from them and so I thought that maybe I was going to dodge this bullet, but being the responsible person that I am, I called them and picked up the info and Rx's for the upcoming event. I've still never received anything in the mail. Once I looked over everything, about four pages of instructions and four Rx's, I was ready but not really willing to start. Those of you that have done this before will understand my hesitancy.
I started Monday night, Aug 3, with just a few fairly powerful stool softeners. No big deal. Until Tuesday morning. Then all day Tuesday I could only have clear liquids. I'm a big fan of diet coke and diet coke is a clear liquid so I was pretty okay with this but about half way through the day, I started to get pretty hungry. I then changed to a little juice and orange pop so my blood glucose didn't get too low. Controlling my blood sugars was really quite simple and didn't cause any added problems. The instructions that they give to you are quite specific and I was to start the hard core prep at 5:30 PM that same day. I had a Relief Society Pres meeting at 5:00 and we usually visit some sisters first and then meet for an hour afterwards. As you can guess, we met first and then I went home to do my thing and the Presidency went visiting after. When I got home, I started drinking the massive gallon of colyte prep. (thank goodness I had mixed it earlier and put it in the fridge to get cold) After about an hour of drinking this nasty stuff, the real fun began. I was to drink half of it at 6:00 PM and the other half 5 hours before my exam. I found that if I held my breath while drinking the colyte, and then breathing with my mouth open for a few seconds afterwards, the really strong taste would disappear and it wasn't quite so nauseating. So, right on schedule, everything started to move! Have you ever felt like you were peeing from somewhere other than your bladder? I'm sure you can get the idea. About another hour into this and after changing my underwear a few times, I had decided to never do this again! Things eventually calmed down but I had to start this over again at 2:30 AM. I think I slept about 30 minutes that night. I was worried about waking up late and I sure didn't want to repeat this another time so I just stayed up. I would have had to anyway since I couldn't stray too far from the bathroom.
By 7:00 AM we were ready to leave for my 7:30 appointment. Here's the great part. You think that it's going to be really miserable with that garden hose placed where you don't really want it but I really don't remember much. They give you some really great drugs. (versed, fentanyl) I didn't even feel embarrassed. I don't know what I said or did and I got a really great nap out of it. There was no pain involved at all. I remember them talking to me at the end and I even remember watching it on the screen but that's all I can remember. We left about 15 minutes after we were done and stopped at Burger King for breakfast and then I'm pretty sure we stopped for gas and then went home. I took a really long nap and now I feel pretty good. I still don't want to do this again but it's over and the prep really is the worst part of it all. Oh yea, after all that you go through you don't even loose any weight.